4 AM

It's 4 o'clock in the morning. I'm tired. But I can't go to sleep. I look at the clock again. It's 4:13. I close my eyes. My mind is racing. I look up at the angel I have hanging from my ceiling. It's moving. I think that when it moves it's him telling me that he's here with me. I'm scared to look away but I do. I think I see a glimpse of someone. I want to look at the angel again. I hear the heat pushing through the ducts. I think that the angel moves only because of the heat. What if I look up at it again but it has stopped moving. Would that prove that he isn't with me?

I think about Madison. I think about the discussion my husband and I have been having for a couple of weeks. We want to have another baby. We decided tonight that we are going to start trying. What would we name him? We want a him. But I think about my parents having a girl first and then a boy. I don't want Madison to loose her brother. I don't want to loose a child. We want at least three children so maybe I won't. Alexander Brandon? I think it sounds a little silly but I like it. We chose Alexander before Madison was born. I want one of my children to have my brother's name. I know Mike will go for it.

I look up at the angel again. It's still moving and the heat has stopped. I knew that it was him. I feel a sense of calm and quickly drift asleep.

A friend

It's been awhile. I've been wanting to write for a couple of weeks but just can't seem to find the time. Isn't that always the response?! I lost my job a few weeks ago. In a way it's a good thing-I get to spend all my time with Madison, But...I really liked my job. They said I was angry. Ya, I've been angry a lot lately. And I've heard that from quite a few people. Wouldn't anybody be? The reason I was "angry" was because I found out that someone who was promoted to the same position that I have been in for over 2 years was making over $10k more than me. She was promoted recently while I was on maternity leave. They lowered my pay when I came back from maternity leave. Obviously to make up for her higher salary. Obviously I am talking with a lawyer a lot these days. :) Companies should not be able to get away with those things...and they won't.

Tonight I had a visit with a friend. She is going through an extremely difficult time in life at such a younge age. She is watching one of her good friends loose the battle with cancer. Just sitting. Waiting. Patiently. She mentioned to me that she found herself questioning a lot of what she was always brought up to believe. She explained to me that she is having a very tough time understanding why God would let someone so young with little children loose this battle. Why he wouldn't help? Why he would prolong it and let her suffer as she is? I obviously don't have an answer for her. I don't think that anyone could explain it. That's something that every one of us, regardless of religion, would question. I have questioned it. Although I'm told he did not suffer, I question still why my brother's life was cut so short. Why was it done so instantly without warning? Would it hurt less if we had a warning? I don't believe so. I don't think that anything can take the pain away of losing someone you love so much. Someone that is a big part of your life. Your being. It's pain that nobody will ever understand unless they go through it themselves. It is pain that will never get anybody. Pain that will be with a person until the day they themselves take their last breath.

I told my friend of the book I had read after my brother pasted away. I told her of my thoughts and my experience in hopes to ease her hurt if only for that moment in time. To give her something of a similar situation to relate to. To let her know that she can talk to me. To let her know that although no experience is ever going to be the same, I understand a lot of her feelings. To let her know that I would never find them stupid as she would say.

The days get shorter. It eventually stops being a constant thought but it's still on my mind many times a day. I think at this point I'm stuck in between fact and fiction. I know that it's real but at times I don't really realize it. Many times my thoughts tell me that I just haven't seen him in awhile. That I need to call him or stop by. At other times it's so very real that it literally hurts. The pain of losing someone is not something that is only emotional or mental. It is a physical pain too. Possibly something that is created by your mental state but you can feel it just the same.