Have you ever just stopped to clearly think about what was going on in your life? These days I do that too often and not often enough. I have been uneasily getting through every day of the past month oblivious to the world that surrounds me. I can't remember the things that I did 5 mins ago because I'm trying not to forget my life prior to December 19th, 2005 when it seems like I lost myself. My brother, at 22 years old, passed away that day. Three weeks before his 23 birthday. The cause-an unknown medical condition that according to my dad could not have been prevented the day prior when I threatened to take him to the doctor. It was a Sunday and the offices weren't open so I told myself I would take him on Monday not knowing that it was going to be too late. I wonder had it not been late-Would have really taken him to the doctor? Or would I have put it off like I do most things in life? I like to think that I would have taken him that day. I believe that my dad, who has been regularly medicated since a few days after finding his son lying lifeless in a bed at the neighbors house, tells me these things only to ease my mind. I don't believe the doctor said that it could not have been prevented. I do know that if it isn't the truth he is only trying to protect me but I don't want to be protected at the moment. I want to feel every bit of pain that anybody would feel when losing a sibling. This past week I have begun to feel it and it is the worst pain I have ever felt. And I know that I will feel it for the rest of my life. The first few weeks I was in shock. I also had a lot to do. A lot of decisions to make that I had prayed I would never have to make for him. I prayed that he would have to make them for me. But how often is the outcome what we thought or hoped it would be? Lately I've realized that no outcome is unbearable. Inevitably death is the outcome for us all. Unfortunatley it happens much sooner for some than others. Tonight on my way home from work I heard a song that I love on the radio. One of the lines in the song is '..now only the good die young...'. I wonder is this true and I think about the people that I have known that have died young. As I'm driving through an area that reminds me of the movie Boyz In The Hood, I remember Ricky. Ricky was good. He had a wonderful future to look forward to. But he lost his life far too soon. I do think that there is good in each of us but if I had to pick the better sibling I would have chosen Ricky. If I had to pick the better sibling between my brother and I, I would definetly choose Brandon. Now like Doughboy I have to spend the rest of my life wondering 'Why wasn't it me instead?'. I believe it's true. Only the good die young...

This is the beginning

I think we all have a little bit of neurosis in us. I've realized that as I've gotten older. Everyone has it but it's those of us that admit we do that are one step ahead of the rest of the world. I say just go with it. It's sometimes fun.

A few of my friends have blogs. My friends that are on track with the rest of the world. (Ha, some of my friends still don't have computers. It's very, very sad.) I thought I would try it out. I am the farthest thing from a writer. I do write for myself often but never would I ever write to publish something. So, I thought this might be fun. I have always written in journals and began a journal that I've actually kept up with in 2005. It was for my daughter. My savior actually. Have you heard that song "In My Daughter's Eyes"? I heard it years ago when it came out but never felt anything. I often made fun of those around me that did. However, the words to that song can now make me cry in an instant because I feel most of them. I will talk more about why later. It's 1pm and I am simply not an afternoon person. Hah, these days I don't feel much like a person at all.