Madison

A lot of people think that Madison was an accident. Mostly because she was (at the time) a product of an unwed couple. The fact is that I don't believe honest "accidents" happen in today's world. I don't see at all how they could. Madison was a planned pregnancy. Once getting back together, Mike and I knew that we wanted to be with each other. We knew that we were not going to let each other go again.

In October, only months after we had gotten back together, we decided that we wanted a child. Mike thought that we should get married. But given me last relationship I wasn't ready to make it legal just yet. I made him break the rules and for anybody that truly knows him he's somewhat of a rule follower. We decided to give it some serious thought for awhile. In November after he and Brandon had gotten into a car accident we decided that it was really what we wanted to do. I threw out the birth control in mid November. It took three months of a lot of trying to get preggo. We tried everything. Seriously everything. Everything the books said to do. Everything friends said to do. Everything every website said to do. We realize now that had we not planned for it so much it probably would have happened with the miss of a few pills.

On Sunday February 19th we found out we were going to be parents. I have never seen Mike as happy as I saw him that day. He kept running over to the Error Proof Test to make sure that it actually showed a positive pregnancy. While I just sat there crying. I would smile everytime he looked up at me. His smile was brighter than any I had ever seen. He had a happiness I had never seen in him before. For me, regardless of the planning we had done and how much I wanted it, realizing I was truly pregnant hit me like a Mack Truck. A ton of emotions came over me at once. And a million questions. I was happy but more scared than ever.

I know that Mike and I have never made a better decision in our lives. Having Madison has brought something unexplainable to our lives. To our families. Especially mine. Although I know that I have many other people still in my life, she is the reason I have continued to get out of bed every day. She has made me smile through a lot of tears. I feel sometimes as though she knows that I need to be cheered up. I look at her and all that I can see is love. True love. Between two people that share an even greater love for her. And although I didn't think it possible, for each other because of her.

Friday November 3rd, 2006

It's been a long week it seems although I haven't done anything for the past two days. I had to destress from the weekend. Madison's 1st birthday party went very well for her and all invited. For me it was a mix of emotions that I just didn't want to deal with. It was stressful. I wanted it to be perfect as I want everything to be for her. It wasn't. It never will be, I know. To outsiders it was. I felt a void all day. Cried for reason's I still don't understand. The thought of my baby being an entire year old. She's not a 0 baby anymore as my little cousin used to call her because he didn't understand how she couldn't be at least 1. My brother not being there was extremely hard. Harder than I thought it would be. Setting out the cakes (plural-there were way too many people), I felt empty. I wanted him to be there. And I'm sure he was watching over all of us. Watching over Madison as she tried running and hit the hardwood floor. She got up laughing. She was having a great time. She didn't know that someone very important was missing. I don't know why I feel like they have a connection somehow. They knew each other for only 6 short weeks. But I know my brother. I know that he would have been closer to her than most anybody. She would have been spoiled more so than she is and I would have been the bad guy in both their eyes when I told her she couldn't have anymore candy. I want her to know him. I want her to know everything there is to know about him. I want her to miss him and think about him on a daily basis. I don't want her to just think of him as the Uncle that died when she was born.

My grandfather died right after I turned two. I didn't know him. I still don't know much about him. He isn't talked about within our family. We lived with him up until his death. Although he is my paternal grandfather my mom is the one that taught me everything I do know about him. She said that he loved me. That I was everything to him. For some reason the words that she told me always made me feel as though I had a connection with him. I remember walking through a local park every morning on the way to my friends house before school. Every morning I would think of him as I walked through that park. I don't know what it was about the park. Maybe because it has what looks like a headstone in it. At the time he was the only person that I had known of to die. I want Madison to feel that about Brandon. I don't visit my grandfather's grave often. I haven't much at all actually. I've never been that kind of graveside person. I never felt like I had to be sitting by a headstone to talk to someone. I've never visited my grandmother's and I've never visited the mother of one of my best friends. With Brandon's I do. I don't go on a daily basis. I don't actually go on a weekly basis but I do go often. I want Madison to go. I want that to be her place. That special place as morbid as it sounds that she can find peace. That she can find all the answers.

I realize that one of these days I'm going to have to explain to her the pictures of Brandon. Explain to her who he is and what happened. I'm not looking forward to that day. I'm somewhat afraid that she's not going to be that interested. That she's going to take it with such low regard that I'm going to get upset. Too many people do that.

Today was actually a good day so I'm not sure where all of this has come from. I actually laughed today. Aloud. By myself. It's been a while since I've done that. I think I may beginning to realize that it's up to me to feel better. Tomorrow I won't agree but today that's my plan. To make myself feel better. I can't count on anyone else to do that for me. Nobody close to me has ever felt the way I do. They just don't understand. I'm beginning to feel as though it's wrong for me to want them to try to see it. To try to see what I'm going through on my own. I'm not sure though. Going it alone may be the only way to do it.