I don't like titles

I was just reading the blog that I wrote last week. I keep doing that. Keep holding my feelings in for weeks at a time before I actually say anything to Mike. He's such a quiet guy. Not much of an emotional person. I know that he won't say things to me without me starting the conversation but every day I seems to forget. I get angry with him for being who he is. That part of him. I talked to him about it the other day. I think he gets upset that I have these thoughts and feelings but don't talk to him. It's so hard though. It's really hard to come right out and say I need....anything. I'm not that kind of person. I don't like to feel sorry for myself. And I sure as hell don't like to admit that I'm hurting. This blog helps a lot. I'm saying these things but not to anyone specifically. I know people read it. But I don't really think about that when I'm writing. It helps to get it out.

I got an email from my mom the other day. It was one of those survey's. The question was "when did you last cry". Her reply was everyday. I didn't know that. I'm so much like my mom and I hate it. I hate being like that but I am. That's why I don't understand why she kept telling me I was "so strong" during the funeral. I'm not strong. I am her. I hide it. I concentrate on the fact that I have to plan the funeral. I have to thank everyone for coming. I have to do and be what is expected of me. Not from anyone but myself.

During the week Brandon died and especially at the funeral I found myself holding in the tears pretty well. All that I thought about was how the hell can I hold back tears at my brother's funeral but I can't at those fucking Hallmark commercials. I'm a blubbering mess in front of people all the time. I'm a very emotional person. Extremely emotional person. Unless it's something important. Something serious.

There is no point to this blog. Just that the fighting between Mike and I was bickering over stupid things. Mostly over the fact that one of his ex g/f wasn't paying on a loan he co-signed for her. It irritated me. Needless to say that I'm not mad at him for it. He handled it like an adult should regardless of the response he got from her or me. I'm the one that wanted to hire a hitman...