Madison's Birthday

My sister in-law just had a baby girl. A third girl for her and her husband. I was so excited to hear her message saying she was on the way to the hospital that I scared the shit out of Mike who was sleeping. Baby girl-no name yet. Oct. 26th, 2006. 19" long. 6 lbs 12 oz. She's beautiful! I cried as I looked at the pictures sent to me by another sister in-law. Wanting another. That's the third baby close to me born within two weeks. I told Madison of her new cousin and she giggled as she looked at the pictures. As though she were as happy as I am. As she knew what she was looking at. I thought about being a new aunt. And how I'm really not. Only by marriage. Not that I don't feel that way. Those girls have always made me feel as though I really am their aunt. But I will never get to be a "real" aunt. It's a little depressing needless to say. When you get down to the technicalities of it all.

Madison's first birthday is tomorrow. Her cousin was born 4 1/2 hours too early. I really hoped that she would hold out for Madison's birthday. Thinking of how great it would be to have a cousin exactly one year younger than her. It's still close enough. Time has flown by. Just one year ago I was the one at the hospital having a baby. So much has changed in that one year. Too much. I remember sitting on the chair at the hospital having contractions. I looked over to find Mike asleep in the recliner. He woke up as soon as I noticed. I remember being fat yet cute. I was actually a cute preggo. The only time I think I've ever thought of myself as cute. I remember getting Madison's room ready for her arrival. She hasn't slept in her room once with the exception of naps. She is now so big. Walking. Babbling. Trying to run. She has a personality of her own. She throws fits and smacks me when she's mad. She's still my little angel.

I know that time is only going to move faster. I know that I have to start living more in the moment and not worrying about the future. I know that I have to soak up every minute of time with Madison because I know that very soon she will be a teenager that wants nothing to do with her mommy.

As I was just playing with Madison I was thinking about the past and how I let so much time go by without Mike. About how I could have had all of this years ago but was too scared to go for it. He left for the Marine's right after highschool. The day before he left he went to my work to say goodbye but I was out with my then boyfriend. I got to say goodbye to him because my co-workers (friends) had him call me. When I got back to work they were all acting very strange. Saying things like "should I give it to her?". They eventually gave me a ring that Mike had left for me. It was a ring he had given me two Christmas' prior. We had gotten into a fight one night and out of anger I threw it. It went behind the basement stairs. We searched for hours but couldn't find it. His brother had found it and he wanted to be sure I had it before he left. It was the ugliest ring I had ever seen but I wore it anyway. To keep him close to me. I thought that he would go away and never look back. After all I did hurt him worse than anybody should ever be hurt.

A few weeks later I received a letter from Mike. He was in boot camp. I was so surprised and so happy to get the letters. We had discussed on a few different occasions getting back together but I was too scared. I had hurt him once. I didn't want to do it again. I also didn't want to be with a guy that was going to be hundreds of miles away. The letters kept coming. My then boyfriend found out and I had to make a decision. I wrote Mike one last time explaining to him that we couldn't stay in contact. The letters were coming still but not as often. He would write only about what he had been doing. The girls he had met. Friends he had made. After two years they stopped. Friends and family would continue to keep me updated on how he was doing. I didn't hear from Mike again until he got out of the Marine's.

I saw him at the gas station in town. He looked good. Looked happy. I know that he had called my dad's a couple of times. I didn't want to call him back. He had a girlfriend and I a boyfriend. It would be too hard to start over with someone I didn't know anymore. He asked me why I hadn't called him back. Said that he just wanted to see how I had been. We talked for a few minutes but I had to go. I had to get to work. He asked me to call him sometime. I said I would with no intentions of doing it.

I saw Mike on several occasions. We would both give a little glance but nothing too obvious. I was usually drunk and he was usually with his girlfriend. I finally called Mike the day after I got engaged. Nobody answered. I took it as a sign and went on with my life. Although I wanted nothing more than to be with him, I wanted him to be happy. I pushed it (the thought of him) away until the night of my bachlorette party.

My girls had planned a perfect bachlorette day for me. It started with a trip to Chi Town for some lunch and city fun. We then went to my aunt's house for a very sexy but very gay stripper. After we all hit the local tavern to continue our drinking binge. I had a great time. No thoughts of making a wrong decision which was surprising given the fact that I was drunk. I was starting to sober up and feeling sick when Mike walked in. I sat at the bar the rest of the night not drinking a thing while my friends were drunk out of their minds. I was debating talking to him. Giving it one last shot before I said "I do". I sent my friend to talk to him. I told her to just ask him if he wanted to hang out with us after the bar. He said no. He told her that he would love to but the thought of being around me knowing that I was getting married would hurt to much.

She never told me what he really said that night. She told me that he said he had plans. She finally told me after Mike and I had talked again. She apologized saying that she wasn't sure what to do since I was getting married. That she knew I wanted to be with Mike but she wasn't sure if we should be together. She hated the guy I married but she said that she knew it would happen if it were meant to be.

Needless to say after all the bullshit and "others" Mike and I finally got back together. We are where we should be. Where we should have been all along. Things happen for a reason. This has nothing to do with Brandon but I think that God gave Mike back to me when he did because of Brandon's death. He obviously knew what was going to happen. He wanted to be sure I was where I belonged before making me go through that.

I don't like titles

I was just reading the blog that I wrote last week. I keep doing that. Keep holding my feelings in for weeks at a time before I actually say anything to Mike. He's such a quiet guy. Not much of an emotional person. I know that he won't say things to me without me starting the conversation but every day I seems to forget. I get angry with him for being who he is. That part of him. I talked to him about it the other day. I think he gets upset that I have these thoughts and feelings but don't talk to him. It's so hard though. It's really hard to come right out and say I need....anything. I'm not that kind of person. I don't like to feel sorry for myself. And I sure as hell don't like to admit that I'm hurting. This blog helps a lot. I'm saying these things but not to anyone specifically. I know people read it. But I don't really think about that when I'm writing. It helps to get it out.

I got an email from my mom the other day. It was one of those survey's. The question was "when did you last cry". Her reply was everyday. I didn't know that. I'm so much like my mom and I hate it. I hate being like that but I am. That's why I don't understand why she kept telling me I was "so strong" during the funeral. I'm not strong. I am her. I hide it. I concentrate on the fact that I have to plan the funeral. I have to thank everyone for coming. I have to do and be what is expected of me. Not from anyone but myself.

During the week Brandon died and especially at the funeral I found myself holding in the tears pretty well. All that I thought about was how the hell can I hold back tears at my brother's funeral but I can't at those fucking Hallmark commercials. I'm a blubbering mess in front of people all the time. I'm a very emotional person. Extremely emotional person. Unless it's something important. Something serious.

There is no point to this blog. Just that the fighting between Mike and I was bickering over stupid things. Mostly over the fact that one of his ex g/f wasn't paying on a loan he co-signed for her. It irritated me. Needless to say that I'm not mad at him for it. He handled it like an adult should regardless of the response he got from her or me. I'm the one that wanted to hire a hitman...

I've been having problems lately. Every night I got to bed with the thought that I'm not going to wake the next morning. I write things. To Madison. They explain how much I love her. I think that writing these things will make it easier for her if something were to happen to me. She was sick last week. Her temp was 102-103 for a few days. The doctors kept telling me to just give her medicine. That's not enough for me. She's a baby. She has a temperature that is not normal.
The only thoughts that I have are horrible. Things I don't want to think about but can't help. I try to calm myself down because I know that getting hysterical isn't going to change any outcome. This is what I think about everything these days.

I've been fighting with my husband a lot too lately. Over dumb shit. A new friend told me that people find the little things to worry/think about when something bad happens. It's because they don't want to deal with the real issues. They don't want to be vulnerable so they will often fight with those closest to them. I do that. I never thought I did. Well, I've always known that take a lot out on those closest to me but I've never thought of myself as someone that didn't want to deal with something that was bothering me. But then again, I've never had to deal with something so traumatic. So life altering. Tonight I realized that's what I've been doing for the past couple of weeks. I've been waking every morning feeling alone. Sad. Scared. Just really, really bad. It takes a little bit for me to realize that I have something in my life to be very thankful for-Madison. I'm thankful for everything that I have but I feel like Madison is the only thing that I really do have these days. I just haven't felt much of a connection with my husband lately. I don't think that it's gone. I just think that I have so much on my mind that I don't see it. I feel like I have nobody but Madison. I have my friends. But they all have their own lives. They have continued to live and it feels as though I have just stopped. I have my family but it doesn't feel like I have any family because I don't have that one person that was most important to me. My parents will be gone eventually. I don't feel like I'll have any after. I say these things to Mike but I don't really get a response. The other day I said "I don't even talk to my friends anymore and I don't have any family". He always says something stupid. He doesn't realize that I'm being serious. It's not a joke to me. He doesn't say "you have me" or "my family is your family". Because in all actuality they aren't. Obviously he see's that too. I'm not really close to any of his family. I love them all. They all have their own little quirks. They're all crazy in some way. Who isn't? I think that's what I love about them. But I do realize that they really aren't my family. I wouldn't have them if it weren't for Mike.

I want my brother back. I want my normal life back. My perfect but not so perfect life. I want to wake up every morning knowing that I have the most beautiful daughter and I married my soulmate again. I want to see Brandon walk through the door and go straight to Madison. I know what he would do know that she's grown and moving. I know that he would do the same thing that Jon does every time he walks through the door. He would go straight to her. Pick her up. Play with her. Before he would say anything to me. And I would be fine with that. I would probably say something in a sarcastic tone like "Hi Bran. Nice to see you too". But I would know that he loves her.

Sometimes I forget for a split second that he's not here. I did it earlier today. I thought well Bran would love that. I don't remember what it was about. And I think that I should call him. Tell him what happened to me today. Tell him that Mike had three lawn mowers in the garage and not a one worked. I would love to tell him that completely pointless story. I would love to tell him that Madison was farting in Walmart last night and she was embarassing me. I would love to tell him these things because I know that he would appreciate the pointlessness. But I can't. I will never be able to. And it really bugs me that even my husband seems to have forgotten that already.