Friends

There is something about friends that gives you the same comfortable feeling as a good fitting pair of jeans. Like good jeans, friends are hard to find. Real true friends are even harder to find. Over the past few months I have realized that I have some very good friends that have stuck by my side through a lot of shit. I also have realized that my old friends are still here. I have tried nothing more than to push these people away. Not intentionally necessarily but I have. I have made things up in my head. Reason's for not keeping in touch. They didn't try to keep in touch with me so why? But then I realize that they did in ways. The problem was that I didn't accept myself or the decisions I made. I guess in many ways I didn't feel worthy of their friendships. I'm not sure. I don't know why I would deprive myself of these friendships. The same reason back then for not holding on to these friendships is the same reason now that I want to try to, I guess, rekindle them.

My pain has been very real these days. It isn't the same pain that I felt in highschool when my boyfriend broke up with me for a cheerleader. It isn't the same pain that I felt when I didn't do well on the basketball team. It isn't even close to the same pain I felt when my parents got divorced. It is a pain that I will, thank god, never feel again in my life. It's a pain that I will eventually begin to feel less of but a pain that I have tried dealing with on my own like I did back then.

This time I'm not going to let myself continue to do that. This time I'm going to embrace the friendships that I've had for years, the new friendships that I'm finding everyday and the old friendships that I thought I had lost.

An email from an old friend today comforted me. It wasn't about anything important. It just made me feel as though I am going to get through this. It made me know that there are people out there, regardless of whether or not I stay in touch with them, that truly care.

The bad times in our lives truly make us better people. I am going to take this opprotunity....

Thank you to all my friends, old and new!

Nothing

I feel like crap! I have for the past couple of months but today I literally feel like crap. I have this thing in my ear. I don't know what it is but it's affecting the entire right side of my head. My body is also achy. I hope I don't have the flu.

I haven't been in very good spirits lately. I haven't for a while but the past week has probably been the worst. I can't stop thinking about Brandon and I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to stop thinking about him but I want to stop thinking about the details of his last two days. I want to only think of the good but that is just so hard. Nobody can imagine how hard it actually is unless they have had to do it. These days I get understandably upset over people's "problems" such as a headset that just doesn't seem to work right. On the other hand I get more excited about weddings. And babies being born. Regardless of whose baby it is, I'm thrilled about the fact that a new baby has joined the world. A baby is a sign of only good things. That baby might grow up to find a cure for the flu. A baby might grow up to be a therapis that can make sense of all the evil in the world to help me get through every day of the rest of my life.

I'm going to see a therapist. I've always thought that therapist's were positive. I guess that was when it came to other people's problems. My husband recently recommended that "we" go see a therapist to help me get through life. I never thought that I would need help getting through life but it has become aparent that I really do. As we get older our problems become much bigger. Well, some of our problems do. I am from a small town where people love to make small issues bigger than NY City. Anyway, I'm going to go to this therapist. I'm scared tho. I don't know if he/she will be able to make it better for me. I don't want to ever be ok with it but I want to continue with the rest of my life as I had planned. My life before was perfect. It was everything and anything that I could ever have imagined perfection being. I just want to remember but to also not feel bad about the good times that are in my future.

I was telling Mike (my husband) the other night what it felt like. It feel similar to how I felt when I was without him for 7 or so years times 1 million. I feel extremely empty and alone. I feel like even though I have a good life and I'm having a good time, I feel dissatisfied. I don't even know if that's a word. But that's what it feels like. Like I need something more. Like I forgot my underwear. :) I know that's very strange but it's true. Like you went out with your friends and you forgot to put on your underwear. (For those of you that don't wear underwear, I'm sorry I don't have anything better). You forgot your underwear. You're having a really great time drinking, dancing, laughing with your friends however, there is something significant missing. Something that is a part of your every day life. You know it's your underwear but you're drunk and you don't know your way back home. You try so hard to hide it but you know that people are noticing every now and then when your skirt comes up or you forget to cross your legs. You want your underwear but you also want so badly to stay. You're having a good time minus the fact that you feel a draft every once in awhile. You want to go home as soon as the bar closes but you also want to go to Denny's to get something to eat because you're starving and you want to enjoy more time with the girls.

Strange huh?! Well, I guess we all feel differently about life. No, that has never happened to me. I can just imagine that's what it would feel like because I don't like not wearing my underwear. The only thing is that I knew that when I wasn't with Mike, I would still be able to see him occasionally. If it was meant to be we would have been joined again at some point in time. It happened. My underwear? I know that eventually I would get to put my underwear on. I may have to suffer for a short time but not my entire life. I know that they are in my drawer at home waiting for me.

My brother? I think but I can't be certain that I will see him again. And if I do I don't think it will happen for many years. It would be much easier to wait those years if I knew for a fact that I would see him one day again. I will never know.