Happy New Year 2007!

And once again it starts all over. It's a never ending cycle giving us all a chance to start over. To promise to improve. I learned recently that people in India make lists of the bad throughout the past year. They then recite that list and burn it with promises of getting rid of it all. Never seeing it again. Never doing it again. I wonder how many weeks into the new year it takes for them to completely forget about their promises? I'm certain that it takes American's no more than 2-3 weeks. Nevertheless, here are my 2007 New Years Resolutions--

This year I will not resolve to loose weight but to become healthier. To eat healthier and exercise more. To take better care of my outside and inside. To sleep more. To drink more water. To see a doctor for my pains, aches and bad colds rather than trying to treat myself.

I resolve to spend more time playing with my daughter. Taking her to the park and to the zoo and to see her cousins. Teaching her more but not worrying if she doesn't retain it right away. Realizing that she's only one and not worrying (I didn't say wondering) about what or who she's going to be when she grows up.

I resolve to spend more time with my husband. Just he and I. Going on dates. More laughing, talking and closeness.

I resolve to spend more time with my friends and family doing nothing except getting to know them better. I resolve to let go of the things and people that let me down or get me down. I resolve not to care about those that aren't really important to me. To not care so much about people but about my husband, my daughter, my friends, my family-those that love me and what THEY think. To let go of my jealousies and my insecureties. To become the person that I am and not try to be anybody that I'm not. To live for today. Not tomorrow and not 10 years ago. To hold on tight to my memories and to always remember that the negative ones only brought me to today.

I resolve to remember my brother everyday. To remember the love, the great person that he was and the joy he brought to so many. To remember the way he used to say "Kim" and the sound of his voice when he told me he loved me. Knowing that he truly meant it. To remember how proudly he would introduce and say allowed "this is my niece, Madison". To know that he would want me to live my life being the best that I could for Madison and Mike and everyone that I love. To remember that he would want me to remember him but to be as happy as I can. To visit his graveside more often. To make sure that Madison knows who he is and how special she was to him for such a short time.

I resolve to learn something new. Cooking, photography or something as simple as letting my husband teach me about WW II. To be more organized and together. To take more pictures. To visit my grandparents more often.

I resolve to breathe and take in every single moment of every single day. To make 2007 the best year thus far...

I have no anger, if you will, about her. My anger comes from the fact that I wish it were me. From the fact that I know it would be had I not messed it up. An anger for the missed years. The big and the little.

Tonight my father in-law brought over family pictures. Hundreds of family pictures. I was happy to see they still had many of Mike & I from before. The time that I held so close to my heart. The time that I missed for too many years. When I told my friend about the pictures, I know she was hesitant. I know that she didn't want me looking through them. Thinking about the years of therapy. Riding in our cars. Listening to none other than Britany Spears doing it again. She is the only one that knew my regrets. The only one that knew how badly I hurt for so many years.

Looking through the pictures didn't make me jealous as I'm sure she thought they would. They made me feel the pain again. The pain of not having someone you want more than anything. They made me feel the regret again.

Over the years my pain helped me grow as a person. I was the bigger person. The one that only wanted happiness for those I loved. Not willing to put my feelings first but to step aside.

Regrets-They say you shouldn't regret anything, I know. Although we are together again I still have many regrets when I remember the past.

Madison

A lot of people think that Madison was an accident. Mostly because she was (at the time) a product of an unwed couple. The fact is that I don't believe honest "accidents" happen in today's world. I don't see at all how they could. Madison was a planned pregnancy. Once getting back together, Mike and I knew that we wanted to be with each other. We knew that we were not going to let each other go again.

In October, only months after we had gotten back together, we decided that we wanted a child. Mike thought that we should get married. But given me last relationship I wasn't ready to make it legal just yet. I made him break the rules and for anybody that truly knows him he's somewhat of a rule follower. We decided to give it some serious thought for awhile. In November after he and Brandon had gotten into a car accident we decided that it was really what we wanted to do. I threw out the birth control in mid November. It took three months of a lot of trying to get preggo. We tried everything. Seriously everything. Everything the books said to do. Everything friends said to do. Everything every website said to do. We realize now that had we not planned for it so much it probably would have happened with the miss of a few pills.

On Sunday February 19th we found out we were going to be parents. I have never seen Mike as happy as I saw him that day. He kept running over to the Error Proof Test to make sure that it actually showed a positive pregnancy. While I just sat there crying. I would smile everytime he looked up at me. His smile was brighter than any I had ever seen. He had a happiness I had never seen in him before. For me, regardless of the planning we had done and how much I wanted it, realizing I was truly pregnant hit me like a Mack Truck. A ton of emotions came over me at once. And a million questions. I was happy but more scared than ever.

I know that Mike and I have never made a better decision in our lives. Having Madison has brought something unexplainable to our lives. To our families. Especially mine. Although I know that I have many other people still in my life, she is the reason I have continued to get out of bed every day. She has made me smile through a lot of tears. I feel sometimes as though she knows that I need to be cheered up. I look at her and all that I can see is love. True love. Between two people that share an even greater love for her. And although I didn't think it possible, for each other because of her.

Friday November 3rd, 2006

It's been a long week it seems although I haven't done anything for the past two days. I had to destress from the weekend. Madison's 1st birthday party went very well for her and all invited. For me it was a mix of emotions that I just didn't want to deal with. It was stressful. I wanted it to be perfect as I want everything to be for her. It wasn't. It never will be, I know. To outsiders it was. I felt a void all day. Cried for reason's I still don't understand. The thought of my baby being an entire year old. She's not a 0 baby anymore as my little cousin used to call her because he didn't understand how she couldn't be at least 1. My brother not being there was extremely hard. Harder than I thought it would be. Setting out the cakes (plural-there were way too many people), I felt empty. I wanted him to be there. And I'm sure he was watching over all of us. Watching over Madison as she tried running and hit the hardwood floor. She got up laughing. She was having a great time. She didn't know that someone very important was missing. I don't know why I feel like they have a connection somehow. They knew each other for only 6 short weeks. But I know my brother. I know that he would have been closer to her than most anybody. She would have been spoiled more so than she is and I would have been the bad guy in both their eyes when I told her she couldn't have anymore candy. I want her to know him. I want her to know everything there is to know about him. I want her to miss him and think about him on a daily basis. I don't want her to just think of him as the Uncle that died when she was born.

My grandfather died right after I turned two. I didn't know him. I still don't know much about him. He isn't talked about within our family. We lived with him up until his death. Although he is my paternal grandfather my mom is the one that taught me everything I do know about him. She said that he loved me. That I was everything to him. For some reason the words that she told me always made me feel as though I had a connection with him. I remember walking through a local park every morning on the way to my friends house before school. Every morning I would think of him as I walked through that park. I don't know what it was about the park. Maybe because it has what looks like a headstone in it. At the time he was the only person that I had known of to die. I want Madison to feel that about Brandon. I don't visit my grandfather's grave often. I haven't much at all actually. I've never been that kind of graveside person. I never felt like I had to be sitting by a headstone to talk to someone. I've never visited my grandmother's and I've never visited the mother of one of my best friends. With Brandon's I do. I don't go on a daily basis. I don't actually go on a weekly basis but I do go often. I want Madison to go. I want that to be her place. That special place as morbid as it sounds that she can find peace. That she can find all the answers.

I realize that one of these days I'm going to have to explain to her the pictures of Brandon. Explain to her who he is and what happened. I'm not looking forward to that day. I'm somewhat afraid that she's not going to be that interested. That she's going to take it with such low regard that I'm going to get upset. Too many people do that.

Today was actually a good day so I'm not sure where all of this has come from. I actually laughed today. Aloud. By myself. It's been a while since I've done that. I think I may beginning to realize that it's up to me to feel better. Tomorrow I won't agree but today that's my plan. To make myself feel better. I can't count on anyone else to do that for me. Nobody close to me has ever felt the way I do. They just don't understand. I'm beginning to feel as though it's wrong for me to want them to try to see it. To try to see what I'm going through on my own. I'm not sure though. Going it alone may be the only way to do it.

Madison's Birthday

My sister in-law just had a baby girl. A third girl for her and her husband. I was so excited to hear her message saying she was on the way to the hospital that I scared the shit out of Mike who was sleeping. Baby girl-no name yet. Oct. 26th, 2006. 19" long. 6 lbs 12 oz. She's beautiful! I cried as I looked at the pictures sent to me by another sister in-law. Wanting another. That's the third baby close to me born within two weeks. I told Madison of her new cousin and she giggled as she looked at the pictures. As though she were as happy as I am. As she knew what she was looking at. I thought about being a new aunt. And how I'm really not. Only by marriage. Not that I don't feel that way. Those girls have always made me feel as though I really am their aunt. But I will never get to be a "real" aunt. It's a little depressing needless to say. When you get down to the technicalities of it all.

Madison's first birthday is tomorrow. Her cousin was born 4 1/2 hours too early. I really hoped that she would hold out for Madison's birthday. Thinking of how great it would be to have a cousin exactly one year younger than her. It's still close enough. Time has flown by. Just one year ago I was the one at the hospital having a baby. So much has changed in that one year. Too much. I remember sitting on the chair at the hospital having contractions. I looked over to find Mike asleep in the recliner. He woke up as soon as I noticed. I remember being fat yet cute. I was actually a cute preggo. The only time I think I've ever thought of myself as cute. I remember getting Madison's room ready for her arrival. She hasn't slept in her room once with the exception of naps. She is now so big. Walking. Babbling. Trying to run. She has a personality of her own. She throws fits and smacks me when she's mad. She's still my little angel.

I know that time is only going to move faster. I know that I have to start living more in the moment and not worrying about the future. I know that I have to soak up every minute of time with Madison because I know that very soon she will be a teenager that wants nothing to do with her mommy.

As I was just playing with Madison I was thinking about the past and how I let so much time go by without Mike. About how I could have had all of this years ago but was too scared to go for it. He left for the Marine's right after highschool. The day before he left he went to my work to say goodbye but I was out with my then boyfriend. I got to say goodbye to him because my co-workers (friends) had him call me. When I got back to work they were all acting very strange. Saying things like "should I give it to her?". They eventually gave me a ring that Mike had left for me. It was a ring he had given me two Christmas' prior. We had gotten into a fight one night and out of anger I threw it. It went behind the basement stairs. We searched for hours but couldn't find it. His brother had found it and he wanted to be sure I had it before he left. It was the ugliest ring I had ever seen but I wore it anyway. To keep him close to me. I thought that he would go away and never look back. After all I did hurt him worse than anybody should ever be hurt.

A few weeks later I received a letter from Mike. He was in boot camp. I was so surprised and so happy to get the letters. We had discussed on a few different occasions getting back together but I was too scared. I had hurt him once. I didn't want to do it again. I also didn't want to be with a guy that was going to be hundreds of miles away. The letters kept coming. My then boyfriend found out and I had to make a decision. I wrote Mike one last time explaining to him that we couldn't stay in contact. The letters were coming still but not as often. He would write only about what he had been doing. The girls he had met. Friends he had made. After two years they stopped. Friends and family would continue to keep me updated on how he was doing. I didn't hear from Mike again until he got out of the Marine's.

I saw him at the gas station in town. He looked good. Looked happy. I know that he had called my dad's a couple of times. I didn't want to call him back. He had a girlfriend and I a boyfriend. It would be too hard to start over with someone I didn't know anymore. He asked me why I hadn't called him back. Said that he just wanted to see how I had been. We talked for a few minutes but I had to go. I had to get to work. He asked me to call him sometime. I said I would with no intentions of doing it.

I saw Mike on several occasions. We would both give a little glance but nothing too obvious. I was usually drunk and he was usually with his girlfriend. I finally called Mike the day after I got engaged. Nobody answered. I took it as a sign and went on with my life. Although I wanted nothing more than to be with him, I wanted him to be happy. I pushed it (the thought of him) away until the night of my bachlorette party.

My girls had planned a perfect bachlorette day for me. It started with a trip to Chi Town for some lunch and city fun. We then went to my aunt's house for a very sexy but very gay stripper. After we all hit the local tavern to continue our drinking binge. I had a great time. No thoughts of making a wrong decision which was surprising given the fact that I was drunk. I was starting to sober up and feeling sick when Mike walked in. I sat at the bar the rest of the night not drinking a thing while my friends were drunk out of their minds. I was debating talking to him. Giving it one last shot before I said "I do". I sent my friend to talk to him. I told her to just ask him if he wanted to hang out with us after the bar. He said no. He told her that he would love to but the thought of being around me knowing that I was getting married would hurt to much.

She never told me what he really said that night. She told me that he said he had plans. She finally told me after Mike and I had talked again. She apologized saying that she wasn't sure what to do since I was getting married. That she knew I wanted to be with Mike but she wasn't sure if we should be together. She hated the guy I married but she said that she knew it would happen if it were meant to be.

Needless to say after all the bullshit and "others" Mike and I finally got back together. We are where we should be. Where we should have been all along. Things happen for a reason. This has nothing to do with Brandon but I think that God gave Mike back to me when he did because of Brandon's death. He obviously knew what was going to happen. He wanted to be sure I was where I belonged before making me go through that.

I don't like titles

I was just reading the blog that I wrote last week. I keep doing that. Keep holding my feelings in for weeks at a time before I actually say anything to Mike. He's such a quiet guy. Not much of an emotional person. I know that he won't say things to me without me starting the conversation but every day I seems to forget. I get angry with him for being who he is. That part of him. I talked to him about it the other day. I think he gets upset that I have these thoughts and feelings but don't talk to him. It's so hard though. It's really hard to come right out and say I need....anything. I'm not that kind of person. I don't like to feel sorry for myself. And I sure as hell don't like to admit that I'm hurting. This blog helps a lot. I'm saying these things but not to anyone specifically. I know people read it. But I don't really think about that when I'm writing. It helps to get it out.

I got an email from my mom the other day. It was one of those survey's. The question was "when did you last cry". Her reply was everyday. I didn't know that. I'm so much like my mom and I hate it. I hate being like that but I am. That's why I don't understand why she kept telling me I was "so strong" during the funeral. I'm not strong. I am her. I hide it. I concentrate on the fact that I have to plan the funeral. I have to thank everyone for coming. I have to do and be what is expected of me. Not from anyone but myself.

During the week Brandon died and especially at the funeral I found myself holding in the tears pretty well. All that I thought about was how the hell can I hold back tears at my brother's funeral but I can't at those fucking Hallmark commercials. I'm a blubbering mess in front of people all the time. I'm a very emotional person. Extremely emotional person. Unless it's something important. Something serious.

There is no point to this blog. Just that the fighting between Mike and I was bickering over stupid things. Mostly over the fact that one of his ex g/f wasn't paying on a loan he co-signed for her. It irritated me. Needless to say that I'm not mad at him for it. He handled it like an adult should regardless of the response he got from her or me. I'm the one that wanted to hire a hitman...