A mother's dream
My grandmother passed away March 9th, 2003. A few weeks later I was sitting at my mom's kitchen table with a couple of my aunts. One of them said "did your mom tell you about her dream?". Before she got the complete sentence out my mom walked in and responded with "i'm not going to tell her". I never asked about the dream.
In January of this year I was talking to my mom about my brother's death. About the dreams I had been having, feelings I had and weird happenings around me. My mom said "one of these days remind me to tell you about my dream about grandma". I didn't remind her because I was scared to. I think that part of me thought it might have something to do with my brother and the other part just didn't want her to break down. I was the strong one. The rock. That held my mother and father up. Although I hate it when people do it to me, I was the one that would make the jokes about Brandon whenever either of them would get sad. Brandon would do it. He was always the joker of the family. He always had a "life isn't this serious" attitude. Which is why everyone loved being around him.
About a month ago I was talking to my mom's eldest sister. I mentioned the conversation with my mom about the dream. She said she would tell me but only as long as I promised not to tell my mom she told me.
A few weeks after my grandmother passed away my mom dreamt that she was going to visit my grandfather. At the time he was still living in the apartment he had shared with my grandma but in my mom's dream he was in the same room and apartment he's in now. As she was walking down the hall towards my grandpa's apartment she noticed that there were two chairs sitting across from his door. She got closer and noticed that his door was open. She looked inside to see my grandpa doing something. She turned around and sitting on the chairs across from the apartment sat my grandmother and one of her sisters that had passed away previously. My mom asked them "what are you guys doing here?". My grandmother had her legs crossed with her hands drapped across them as she always did. She was rocking. She answered my mom "I have a secret". My mom responded with the obvious. "What is your secret?". Just then she looked up to see my brother coming down the hall towards her. He seemed rushed. She asked him "Bran what are you doing here?". He said "I came to see grandpa". My mom asked "why are you in such a hurry?". My brother responded with "I've got to see grandpa because I'm going to see grandma".
I chose to be the one to give my mom the news about my brother. My parents had been divorced for years at this point. They weren't very adult about it. I was the only one that should tell my mom. As I walked into her house watching her put stuff away I slowed down. I had talked to her on the phone what seemed like minutes prior. I couldn't tell her on the phone. I had to go to her. She was happy. It was the Monday before Christmas. She and her boyfriend always took that week off to do their shopping and other Christmas duties. My bestfriend, husband and daughter were with me. I couldn't do it alone. I stopped at the doorway and begun to cry as my best friend walked into the living room with my daughter. I looked over at my mom. She was so happy. It was the holiday season. She was a new grandma. I was about to give my mother news that no parent should ever have to receive. I began to cry. I remember her asking me "what's wrong". "Is something wrong with you?" she said. "Is it Madison?". I would only shake my head in response. I finally managed to mutter "It's Brandon". She grabbed me and I started crying harder. She was asking me "what?!" with such sterness as if I had done something wrong. At the time I felt wrong. I did not want to be telling my mother this news. I wish that I could have answered "yes" when she asked if it was me. Quietly and with no thought I said "he's dead". Now when I think back I wish that I had not said it so harshly but I didn't know what else to say. What words were the right ones? I couldn't hold up a 95lb woman. She fell to the floor screaming.
The only thing that I remember her saying at the time is "Lewie!" (her boyfriend) and "I knew it". I wondered what did she know? I wondered if she had thought he overdosed or did it to himself? I wondered if he had said something to her within the past couple days that made her think something was going to happen? I wondered why she didn't do anything to stop it? I wondered why if she 'knew it', why didn't I?
After talking with my aunt I figured it out. My mom had a dream. A nightmare really. She didn't want to face it. It was just a dream. Isn't that what everyone says? These days I wonder if she had told me what would I do? Would I change anything? Would I ignore it? Knowing myself I know that I would take it as a sign for a few days. Until I forgot. I wouldn't take it seriously. Dreams are only dreams. I'm beginning to think otherwise.
In January of this year I was talking to my mom about my brother's death. About the dreams I had been having, feelings I had and weird happenings around me. My mom said "one of these days remind me to tell you about my dream about grandma". I didn't remind her because I was scared to. I think that part of me thought it might have something to do with my brother and the other part just didn't want her to break down. I was the strong one. The rock. That held my mother and father up. Although I hate it when people do it to me, I was the one that would make the jokes about Brandon whenever either of them would get sad. Brandon would do it. He was always the joker of the family. He always had a "life isn't this serious" attitude. Which is why everyone loved being around him.
About a month ago I was talking to my mom's eldest sister. I mentioned the conversation with my mom about the dream. She said she would tell me but only as long as I promised not to tell my mom she told me.
A few weeks after my grandmother passed away my mom dreamt that she was going to visit my grandfather. At the time he was still living in the apartment he had shared with my grandma but in my mom's dream he was in the same room and apartment he's in now. As she was walking down the hall towards my grandpa's apartment she noticed that there were two chairs sitting across from his door. She got closer and noticed that his door was open. She looked inside to see my grandpa doing something. She turned around and sitting on the chairs across from the apartment sat my grandmother and one of her sisters that had passed away previously. My mom asked them "what are you guys doing here?". My grandmother had her legs crossed with her hands drapped across them as she always did. She was rocking. She answered my mom "I have a secret". My mom responded with the obvious. "What is your secret?". Just then she looked up to see my brother coming down the hall towards her. He seemed rushed. She asked him "Bran what are you doing here?". He said "I came to see grandpa". My mom asked "why are you in such a hurry?". My brother responded with "I've got to see grandpa because I'm going to see grandma".
I chose to be the one to give my mom the news about my brother. My parents had been divorced for years at this point. They weren't very adult about it. I was the only one that should tell my mom. As I walked into her house watching her put stuff away I slowed down. I had talked to her on the phone what seemed like minutes prior. I couldn't tell her on the phone. I had to go to her. She was happy. It was the Monday before Christmas. She and her boyfriend always took that week off to do their shopping and other Christmas duties. My bestfriend, husband and daughter were with me. I couldn't do it alone. I stopped at the doorway and begun to cry as my best friend walked into the living room with my daughter. I looked over at my mom. She was so happy. It was the holiday season. She was a new grandma. I was about to give my mother news that no parent should ever have to receive. I began to cry. I remember her asking me "what's wrong". "Is something wrong with you?" she said. "Is it Madison?". I would only shake my head in response. I finally managed to mutter "It's Brandon". She grabbed me and I started crying harder. She was asking me "what?!" with such sterness as if I had done something wrong. At the time I felt wrong. I did not want to be telling my mother this news. I wish that I could have answered "yes" when she asked if it was me. Quietly and with no thought I said "he's dead". Now when I think back I wish that I had not said it so harshly but I didn't know what else to say. What words were the right ones? I couldn't hold up a 95lb woman. She fell to the floor screaming.
The only thing that I remember her saying at the time is "Lewie!" (her boyfriend) and "I knew it". I wondered what did she know? I wondered if she had thought he overdosed or did it to himself? I wondered if he had said something to her within the past couple days that made her think something was going to happen? I wondered why she didn't do anything to stop it? I wondered why if she 'knew it', why didn't I?
After talking with my aunt I figured it out. My mom had a dream. A nightmare really. She didn't want to face it. It was just a dream. Isn't that what everyone says? These days I wonder if she had told me what would I do? Would I change anything? Would I ignore it? Knowing myself I know that I would take it as a sign for a few days. Until I forgot. I wouldn't take it seriously. Dreams are only dreams. I'm beginning to think otherwise.
posted by Kimberley | 10:11 PM
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