It's friday night. I've already drank half of a bottle of wine. A friend left it here a few weeks ago. I decided that I was tired of looking at it. I don't even like wine. My child is in her bedroom playing. All that I can think about it is how innocent she is. How I'm going to fuck her up in a way I can't even imagine. All parents screw their kids up, right?! I tell myself they do.

I'm waiting for my friend to call. I've been trying to reach her for days. She's been having problems. It makes me wonder why I make my small insecurities out to be the biggest thing to happen in this world. I think I'm overly sensitive to any and everything these days. I have spent my whole life keeping myself from getting hurt. I've done the hurting just so it doesn't happen to me. I don't trust. I don't let myself get close enough to anyone to let them hurt me. Or at least not close enough to let them see that they hurt me. Once upon a time I hurt myself. I publicly displayed my hurt only to be laughed at. I think that's why I try to hold it in. I don't understand why he had to leave me? In the way he did? And at the time? It hurts more than anything I've ever felt. I want to yell at him. I want to hold him. I just want him to be here so that I can do all the things I didn't do when I could. I told him that I couldn't take care of him anymore. Those words run through my mind 10 times a day. Eating at me. Why did I have to say that? I had never said it before. Why did I have to pick that day to tell him that he needed to grow up? Why would I say such a thing anyway? I know he only had me. Just as I had only had him. I want to call him. Tell him that I'm sorry. Explain that my life without him will never be a good one. How can it be? He was everything to me. One of my best friends. I thank God for the time I had with him. But really expected and still want more. The only person that I ever gave all of myself to. He's gone. The only person that I always knew I could count on. The only person that I felt comfortable with no matter what. I don't know why God tests us like he does. It seems inhumane to me. Since he's been gone my insecurities have reached new heights. Uncontrolable heights. If he were here I know what he'd say. "Don't be stupid Kim". I know it. So, although it's extremely hard, I'm trying to live by those words. The words of the greatest guy I've ever known.